Greta's Noggin

So today I had a little bit of a scare. It was a flashback/nightmare in one---nothing major, just enough to bring back some fears I had when Greta was hatched. Here's how it went down:

I usually spend the majority of my time when I'm holding Greta, inspecting her----looking at her skin, touching her fingers, petting her head, etc. I usually spend more time studying her head, especially the area where she had the most swelling...the back of her head. Today I had Greta on my lap and was just running my hands over her "ducktail" (the longest part of her mullet), and I noticed it kind of bubbled out a bit....this area had loose skin on it a few weeks ago (from where the swelling went down from delivery). Now, it feels like there is is fluid there again. While it would be impossible for blood to re-pool there, cysts are possible. It is scary because it is on her head, atop her brain, and I always worry about her development. Needless to say, I had an immediate surge of feelings similar to those following her birth. When she was born, she came out with a massive hematoma from the vacuum. Part of the hematoma was filled with cerebral fluid, and the part underneath, with blood. The fluid eventually went away and the blood did too----she has ring scars from the suction cups which her hair covers up. They aren't really noticeable, unless you are seriously looking for them. When the doctor first put her on me, she was lifeless---Her eyes were wide open, but she was completely lifeless. No breathing. No heartbeat. It was horrifying. She was eventually resuscitated and her heartbeat came back. This was not without panic, dismay, horror, tears, and screaming----I was not able to see her head because of the angle that they placed her on me, but Dave did. He kept that part from me when he came back down to my room after seeing her in the NICU----I knew there was something wrong, but I had no idea how bad her head really was, until I saw it. SO, we are now three months from that horrible experience and most of my flashbacks/nightmares have subsided. Every now and again I revisit that day (and the 7 days following), but most of the time I am celebrating Greta's strength, courage, and spirit.

I called the neurologist, left a message and then called her pediatrician to see if we could get in soon. We got in at the peds office and had the doctor look her over----her head has changed. The doctor recommended watching it until Wednesday. If it continues to change, we have to see the neurologist again and get another ultrasound. Most likely, it would be a cyst, which is not that concerning (considering what we went through in the beginning). Regardless, I am a bit worried and wish for this whole ordeal to *poof*, go away. My reality as a parent is watching her like a hawk as she navigates through her milestones. Unlike most moms, I'm looking for abnormalities-----because they could arise. Fortunately, she is a normal infant, showing normal growth and progression in all areas. But I will never forget the neonatologist and the neurologist telling us that we'd have to watch Greta very carefully as any abnormal development milestone could be an indicator of brain damage from the vacuum. NOT FUN. We should be spending this time laughing and cuddling our sweet girl, not studying her like a science experiment wondering if she will truly be "normal."

Since we've been back from the doctor, she has enjoyed her play mat, her vibrator seat, hugs from her Daddy, a feeding, and a poopy diaper. All is good in the world.