I am sure everyone, especially every parent, gets to a point somewhere in the process of raising a child where you've reached your breaking point---it may be potting training, sleep training, a child experiencing separation anxiety, a child wanting to come home attempting a first sleepover---you get my point.  Welp, today, I think I hit mine. 

After 21 months of "processing" Greta's delivery, I was ready to break necks today.  I surely thought my breaking point would have been assisting nurses glue EEG buttons to her head, or saying "Night, night" to her before he sedated MRI.  Nope. 

Greta's neurologist's office called today to give us the results of her 3 day video EEG (two weeks ago).  While I was never really sure how I felt about the potential outcomes, I was hopeful we'd get some information that would help us explain the "episodes" she'd experienced for the last year.  Selfishly, I didn't want a report that read "normal," knowing that would keep us puzzled and nervous about future episodes.  

The long and short of it (and excuse my lack of medical knowledge/terminology):

Greta's EEG read very abnormal.  There was outstanding evidence that her electrical brain activity is extremely abnormal, especially in the frontal right lobe.  Because of the abnormalities, her brain creates the "perfect storm" environment for two types of seizures:  a less significant event "focalized" in one part that would result in a slight arm/hand twitch.  The second, would basically be induced by the first kind of seizure that would send a message to the rest of the brain to go bananas, causing a Grand Mal seizure.  The nurse emphasized that it wasn't where this even would happen, but when.  Moreover, getting her on medication sooner than later (like today) was the best case scenario at this point.  She also wanted to have us see Dr. Jackman for a follow-up appointment next week.  During her EEG she did not experience any seizures, but it was clear enough that there was significant concerning activity.  While I'm no doctor, I can put 2 and 2 together----

This phone call resulted in what I like to call "Awakening the Sleeping Bear."  The Sleeping Bear is my anger and sadness center that was born when she was born.  For a while after her delivery, the Bear was alive and well.  I cried often, had horrible nightmares, experienced anxiety that would not let me leave the house, and made it impossible for me to get anything done.  Slowly, with the help of Brandy the therapist, and medication, the Bear started to go away.  The Bear would rear its ugly head occassionally, revealing itself when anything related to Greta's birth would come up---the physical therapy appointment, her weekly night terrors (which I now know were seizures, but to be told by another doctor it was reflux.  Give me a fucking break), an MRI, an EEG, drives to Riley, etc.  In 21 months, I got pretty good at styfling the Bear and continuing on my merry way.  Not today.  I lost my mind.  I cried during Greta's PT appointment.  I cried in the car on the way to my girlfriend's house.  I cried to my mom.  I cried to Dave.  I cried to the lawyer attempting to sue the doctor who did this to her.  Finally, after taking Biscuit's prozac mistakenly, taking a walk, bathing Greta, doing the dishes, welcoming a visit with Dave's parents, and now, showering, the Bear is back to sleep. 

I understand parents who have experienced a life-altering event related to a child takes years to process through----and I also realize I need some closure with Greta's birth.  I thought seeing kids at Riley in wheelchairs, hairless in the hallway, or those clearly affected by some other limitation would put my situation in perspective---it hasn't.  While I am thankful every single day I was blessed to get pregnant, experience a great pregnancy, and not mother Greta, I still can't escape my "what if" thoughts----but again, I'm thankful it wasn't or isn't worse.  It still doesn't make things better.  At least not now. 

I have a close girlfriend who has a BEAUTIOUS daughter living with a genetic disorder.  At times, this little bug is right up in it---puking, shaking, and having a fit.  No one knows what her futures holds for her.  And I know her mom is well aware of that.  But like the true mom warrior she is, she musters through it and keeps rolling.  That was the hand she was dealt.  I guess I would find more comfort in knowing that God created Greta with all her challenges--NOT because some doctor got lazy, and selfish, and reckless. 

Again, this must be me putting the Bear to sleep---have all these crazy thoughts and blurbs running through my head in an attempt to just keep moving forward.