I am sure everyone, especially every parent, gets to a point somewhere in the process of raising a child where you've reached your breaking point---it may be potting training, sleep training, a child experiencing separation anxiety, a child wanting to come home attempting a first sleepover---you get my point.  Welp, today, I think I hit mine. 

After 21 months of "processing" Greta's delivery, I was ready to break necks today.  I surely thought my breaking point would have been assisting nurses glue EEG buttons to her head, or saying "Night, night" to her before he sedated MRI.  Nope. 

Greta's neurologist's office called today to give us the results of her 3 day video EEG (two weeks ago).  While I was never really sure how I felt about the potential outcomes, I was hopeful we'd get some information that would help us explain the "episodes" she'd experienced for the last year.  Selfishly, I didn't want a report that read "normal," knowing that would keep us puzzled and nervous about future episodes.  

The long and short of it (and excuse my lack of medical knowledge/terminology):

Greta's EEG read very abnormal.  There was outstanding evidence that her electrical brain activity is extremely abnormal, especially in the frontal right lobe.  Because of the abnormalities, her brain creates the "perfect storm" environment for two types of seizures:  a less significant event "focalized" in one part that would result in a slight arm/hand twitch.  The second, would basically be induced by the first kind of seizure that would send a message to the rest of the brain to go bananas, causing a Grand Mal seizure.  The nurse emphasized that it wasn't where this even would happen, but when.  Moreover, getting her on medication sooner than later (like today) was the best case scenario at this point.  She also wanted to have us see Dr. Jackman for a follow-up appointment next week.  During her EEG she did not experience any seizures, but it was clear enough that there was significant concerning activity.  While I'm no doctor, I can put 2 and 2 together----

This phone call resulted in what I like to call "Awakening the Sleeping Bear."  The Sleeping Bear is my anger and sadness center that was born when she was born.  For a while after her delivery, the Bear was alive and well.  I cried often, had horrible nightmares, experienced anxiety that would not let me leave the house, and made it impossible for me to get anything done.  Slowly, with the help of Brandy the therapist, and medication, the Bear started to go away.  The Bear would rear its ugly head occassionally, revealing itself when anything related to Greta's birth would come up---the physical therapy appointment, her weekly night terrors (which I now know were seizures, but to be told by another doctor it was reflux.  Give me a fucking break), an MRI, an EEG, drives to Riley, etc.  In 21 months, I got pretty good at styfling the Bear and continuing on my merry way.  Not today.  I lost my mind.  I cried during Greta's PT appointment.  I cried in the car on the way to my girlfriend's house.  I cried to my mom.  I cried to Dave.  I cried to the lawyer attempting to sue the doctor who did this to her.  Finally, after taking Biscuit's prozac mistakenly, taking a walk, bathing Greta, doing the dishes, welcoming a visit with Dave's parents, and now, showering, the Bear is back to sleep. 

I understand parents who have experienced a life-altering event related to a child takes years to process through----and I also realize I need some closure with Greta's birth.  I thought seeing kids at Riley in wheelchairs, hairless in the hallway, or those clearly affected by some other limitation would put my situation in perspective---it hasn't.  While I am thankful every single day I was blessed to get pregnant, experience a great pregnancy, and not mother Greta, I still can't escape my "what if" thoughts----but again, I'm thankful it wasn't or isn't worse.  It still doesn't make things better.  At least not now. 

I have a close girlfriend who has a BEAUTIOUS daughter living with a genetic disorder.  At times, this little bug is right up in it---puking, shaking, and having a fit.  No one knows what her futures holds for her.  And I know her mom is well aware of that.  But like the true mom warrior she is, she musters through it and keeps rolling.  That was the hand she was dealt.  I guess I would find more comfort in knowing that God created Greta with all her challenges--NOT because some doctor got lazy, and selfish, and reckless. 

Again, this must be me putting the Bear to sleep---have all these crazy thoughts and blurbs running through my head in an attempt to just keep moving forward. 

This is Greta last year at Easter.  Please note the "fashion sandal/sheer hosiery" look that she is sporting.  She is also rocking a vintage dress that Jennie and I wore.  Her toned legs?  Yep.  She was doing many-a-lunges to prepare.

While this has nothing to do with my previous post, I'm about ready to get some form of settlement from Greta's delivery.  The medical bills are piling up and I'm just still a tad pissed off enough to throw dog poo at someone.  I've also decided, after months of deep thought, the only way for me to get closure from all of this is a settlement.  Done.  Case closed.  (Literally).  After this past week's EEG, and G beginning yet another form of therapy, it is time.  Time to pay off the bills.  Time to reimburse all of our gas, driving time, late credit card payments, physical therapy fees, meals on the go (from traveling), babysitting fees, and overall TIME devoted to getting back to normal.  All of those in favor say "I."

In another word, Easter is almost here.  Should Gertie get an Easter basket?  Do I tell her about the Easter Bunny?  How do I explain the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Easter Bunny?  Should Beanie dress up like a rabbit?  Should Biscuit dress up like a baby chick?  Again, all questions that are very pressing.

And Greta has something fancy to show you.....

Yep....I'm sure you're singing "Tear the Roof Off the Sucker" looking at these babies.......G picked them out all by her big self and she LERVS them.  Fancy shoes.  Fashion show.  (When I say "fashion show" to her, that means throw out some big dance moves and get excited, OR, turn around the have her butt facing me so I can measure a pair of pants next to her to see if they'll fit.) 

And let's play a little game of catch-up:

Greta is approaching age 2 with gusto and magic.  She is super busy playing with her kitchen, pushing her stroller, bothering the dogs, and eating sausage links in the morning.  She loves being outside and interacting with any child that will give her the time of day, specifically, the neighbor kids and Amanda Dunaway's offspring.  I look forward to warmer weather and having Greta enjoy the yard and driveway for more than 30 minutes. 

We have just returned home after a 3 day stay at Riley in Indianapolis.  G had a 3 day EEG in an effort to get some of her episodes on paper and film.  We are hopeful we'll have some answers to our concerns.  In the meantime, we are going to start her on Keppra, an anti-seizure medicine that will hopefully stop her episodes all together.  She continues physical and occupational to build her strength, coordination, and balance.  She is also starting speech therapy, as she has demonstrated a delay with her talking, rather, speaking English (not Ewok or Unicorn--because she is fluent.  Thankfully, every dog we come across totally understands her.  I do too.)  She had tubes put in her ears last week and it has made a HUGE difference---she can actually hear us, and we know because she is making sounds she's never made before.  Hopefully, with speech she can become more understandable by the end of the summer.

G is getting fitted for new shoes tomorrow.  We will be seeing a pedorthopaedist who will get her into a shoe that will help with her pronation/toe crossing issue.  That is caused by poor muscle tone which the brain controls---she has white matter loss from her delivery, which causes certain muscles not to "flex" when they should----i.e., straightening her legs and flexing her foot muscles.  I am hoping for something amazing that does not have anything to do with princesses.  I hate princesses---they are lazy women who rely too much on men to make their lives happen.  Not okay.

All in all, we still wait patiently for some news about the lawsuit.  I spoke with the attorney last month and he mentioned they were "Striking the Panel."  I guess this means they are picking their dodgeball team in gym class.  I trust him and have faith that we will get some settlement to help with the medical bills.  I am dreading this EEG bill.  Ugh. 

I am thankful Greta is NOT a Riley kid---those kiddos who spend months getting treatments.  It is really so sad.  I have decided that Greta's birthday philanthropy with be collecting new toys and travel size toiletries for the Neuro floor.  I want to help make family stays more enjoyable.  I am also thinking about starting a small non profit that provides "care packages" to families that have to spend extended amounts of time at the hospital---slippers, toiletries, dvd's, books, magazines, gift cards, games, blankets, robes, soft towels, snacks, etc.  Feedback is always welcome on my suggestion. 

Greta's hot dance moves ala' cords and buttons:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqVH-4_6MaU

Spring must be in the air.....I've had a few conversations in the last few weeks with my mommy girlfriends about having more kids.  While I'm not the one talking abem is always, "How do you know when it is time for another baby?"  For me, it isn't just about "Oh, Greta's almost 2, so I guess I need to think about this."  I am thinking more about the sacrifice that my body will take on: the lack of sleep, the nausea, the back pain, the breastfeeding and pumping, etc.  I guess I haven't forgotten all about that yet.  When Greta was a few months old, I saw another specialist related to the problems I had after her delivery.  He put a magic number in my head about when I should START thinking about another baby.  2.  Greta had to be at least 2 for me to even consider another pregnancy.  That would give me enough time for my body to heal -- if nerves were going to start working again, 24 months is the most amount of time if that was going to happen.  Big questions......

While I never envisioned myself as an only-child-mother, it is absolutely overwhelming to think about having a second child to care for.  My friend Jamie reminds me that I am still "haunted" by Greta's delivery.  It is too fresh, too real still.  Dave and I were doing our taxes yesterday, and realized we paid $8000 out of pocket for expenses SOLELY related to Greta's delivery----only a year later.  We are still paying off her bill from her birth, still paying off physical therapy from the first year.  We haven't even started paying on her current therapies, which now include occupational, physical and now, speech.  We rescheduled (for the third time) her 3 day EEG at Riley.  After a long discussion, Dave and I opted to cancel it again---it is too much for Greta, too much for me, and too expensive right now.  What if we go through all that, and nothing comes up on the report?  We already know she's had seizures.  We know they happen at random times.  We have no idea what that means for G's future---at this point, everything that could have happened from her delivery HAS happened, and at this point, there aren't anymore surprises.  Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  My motto.

We go to a shoe fitter on March 15th to have her feet assessed again.  The orthopaedic doctor said it wasn't anything to be concerned about, considering she's made major improvements in the last year.  She does have an arch 'in there,' but her pronation and toes crossing over are all related to the poor muscle tone.  (Muscle tone is controlled by the brain.)  Thankfully, this won't be a big deal and her shoes are under $50. 

A year ago......Feeling nostalgic.  

One year ago........